If someone steps on my foot I’ll probably say “ouch”. If they do it time after time I will eventually tell them to stop because they’re hurting me. The process of telling them to stop is where a boundary is set. I’m telling them their actions are hurting me and they need to stop stepping on my foot. I may even tell them what I’m going to do to avoid being stepped on, if they don’t stop.

At that point I’ve set the “don’t step on my foot boundary.” Notice, my actions aren’t aimed at changing them, but rather in protecting my foot, as well as our relationship. The other person will ultimately have to decide whether or not they’re going to alter their behavior, but at least I’ve warned them and I know what I’m going to do in order to protect myself.

Relationships are no different. At times our mate “steps on our foot” and hurts us. We have several ways we can respond:

1.     We can ignore it and just hope it doesn’t happen again. (this may be okay if it’s a first offense, but if there’s a repetitive pattern more may need to be done before you grow resentful or worse, empower their behavior).

2.     We can say “ouch” and hope our mate notices our pain and makes efforts not to do it again.

3.     We can withdraw and make sure they don’t ever have an opportunity to step on us again.

4.     We can stomp on their foot so they’ll know what it feels like and will be more careful next time.

5.     We can be assertive and set a boundary, letting them know that stepping on our foot is not OK.

6.      After setting the boundary we could also let them know what we’re going to do to protect ourselves from being stepped on.

Infidelity is certainly a more extreme pain than getting one’s foot stepped on, but the potential response patterns are the same. Some are helpful and others aren’t. The goal for boundaries is self-protection and relationship regulation. Within a relationship, the absence of a feedback mechanism to inform our mate of our wounds limits our ability as a couple to accommodate one another. Healthy couples communicate what they appreciate about their mate, what their mate is doing that’s wounding them and they take responsibility for their hurtful actions by making amends for having wounded them. Without these three forms of communication it’s difficult to know if we really matter to our mate. Do they really care? Are they going to be there when we cry out for them?

Boundaries help define the expectations of our relationship. There are boundaries that define our space as a couple. These boundaries help protect our relationship. They define monogamy for our marriage and our rules of engagement. If others cross these boundaries we feel they are interfering with our lives. If one of the partners crosses that boundary, they betray the agreement they have with their mate.

We often mistakenly believe the purpose of boundaries is behavior modification, but this is not true. Boundaries are for self-protection and the protection of the relationship as a whole. Hopefully, when the boundaries are bumped, out of respect, concern and heartfelt empathy for us, the person violating the boundary will make amends and make it a point to honor our boundaries. If they refuse to honor our boundaries, we’ll need to do what is necessary to enforce them.

While boundaries are essential for defining how we’re to live and interact with one another, they are ineffective when it comes to changing our mate. All too often I see the wounded mate establishing consequences to their boundaries in hopes that their mate’s fear of the consequence will get them to stop the destructive behaviors or patterns. While that fear may serve as a short term deterrent, it won’t work as a long term solution.

The pain resulting from consequences suffered as the result of boundary violations serve only as short-term deterrents to destructive behavior. They are effective only as long as the pain remains or the fear of the consequence is in place, but once those fears are gone the motivation for change decreases. The new behaviors will remain only as long as the memory of that pain is fresh or they still care whether or not they lose what they have. But, when the new behaviors no longer provide the happiness they seek, it won’t be long until the allure of returning to old behaviors outweighs the benefits of the new behaviors.

I’m not saying that things can’t change, but change that is externally imposed is short term, at best. True change comes from inside out. It’s about a change of heart, not a change of behavior. It comes because we care and we’re willing to do whatever is necessary to be different. Do not misunderstand, consequences must be set to protect yourself, and hopefully those consequences will serve as an impetus to begin the stages of long term transformation.

Marriage is hard. There is no way two people can negotiate a life together and not step on each other’s toes. There has to be give and take and the ability to communicate when our mate is hurting us. Hopefully, our mate responds and makes a sincere effort to stop hurting us. Healthy marriages are a process of negotiation and compromise where, because of our love, we try to act in our mate’s best interest. Research shows that a third of all marital problems are unsolvable. What happy couples have that others don’t is an ability to peacefully live and work around our perpetual problems. But for that to occur there has to be a genuine concern for our mate and a willingness, to forgo our happiness for theirs.

The Three Stages of Boundaries: 
If your mate continues to seek their own pleasure at the expense of the relationship and your well-being, boundaries need to be established, or reinforced. But, don’t forget that behavior doesn’t always equal motive. From time to time, we all fail and act in ways that are contrary to how we want to be, which is why I suggest the following progression when implementing boundaries.

The FIRST stage is a request where you clearly communicate how their actions are hurting you and ask them to stop. Don’t assume they are intentionally committing the offense. Explaining to them how their actions have hurt you and requesting that they not do it again gives them opportunity to show the condition of their heart. If they take responsibility and acknowledge that what they did was wrong, you’re off to a good start. If they are genuinely concerned over the fact that they’ve wounded you and are doing whatever they can to help you heal, then they’re acting in your best interest. If they’re upset with themselves for having hurt you and are seeking reconciliation, then it’s a fairly safe bet that this person values you and the relationship and will do their best to avoid hurting you in the future.

The SECOND stage is telling them to stop. If you’ve asked and they continue their hurtful behavior, you turn up the volume by telling them they’re hurting you and telling them to stop. The goal of the boundary is for your protection. They may or may not respect your boundary, but if you love them, then for love’s sake the boundary needs to be set. Love always acts in the best interest of the other person. Allowing them to act in a way that’s unloving isn’t loving to them. It’s not okay to enable someone to act in ways that are self-destructive or to treat others in ways that are destructive. Love compels us to act in the best interest of the other person.

Their response to your telling them to stop is the next litmus test of their heart’s condition. If there is no response, it’s time to go to stage three. If they are grieved over their continued failure and are attempting to address the problem, there’s hope. If they say they’ll stop, but aren’t grieved over the damage they’ve caused you, their heart may still be hard and they may be ambivalent about stopping the behavior. Ambivalence is a state where a person holds two diametrically opposed positions at the same time and it leaves them stuck, unable to choose one or the other. For this person there is a strong likelihood that they will once again violate the boundary.

The THIRD stage is demanding they stop and telling them what you’re going to do to protect yourself if they don’t. This is the stage of consequences, but notice the point of setting the boundary isn’t to change them, rather it’s for your protection. We don’t control how they’ll respond, but we do control how we’re going to respond if they don’t stop the destructive behaviors.

When enforcing boundaries it’s important to respond out of love. It’s not about vengeance, it’s not about controlling them, it is about telling them that it’s not okay to treat others the way they’re treating you. It’s communicating that because of your love and respect for them and your own self-respect, you will not allow them to keep acting this way.

They will have two choices: they will either chose to do what’s necessary to honor your boundaries or they will continue to act in their own selfish interest. If it’s the latter, you’ll have to follow through with the course of action you’ve chosen to keep yourself safe. This is not an attempt to get them to change, but hopefully the consequence will result in their re-evaluating the importance of the relationship versus their own happiness and at the very least, provide the opportunity for change or intervention to start the healing process from infidelity


Contributed by Rick Reynolds, LCSW
Founder and Director, Affair Recovery

Originally posted at lifestarstgeorge.com/blog

Several years ago, Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, introduced a concept to the world of infidelity that is designed to help you and your partner move forward in the healing of your relationship. She suggested that any new betrayed partner implement these behaviors immediately. They aren’t designed to make you look good or your partner bad. They are, however, a means of protection for the betrayed. They also empower the betrayed to face their new world with dignity and bravery. A betrayed spouse who uses these steps will appear stronger to the wayward partner, and that is exactly what you want to portray.

This list is titled “The 180′′ and it won’t take you long to figure out why. What you are actually doing is a complete 180 degree rotation in your actions and attitude. You no longer are a weeping sack of sorrow. Suddenly, you appear strong, happy, independent, and quite capable of making it on your own.

I remember when I first heard about the concept of the 180. I actually thought it was a really stupid idea. I was so codependent and wrapped up in him that it felt like the completely wrong thing to do. I thought I would be pushing him away, putting on a façade when I was asking for more honesty and openness, and making myself seem cold-hearted. Now I understand that the 180 is not about that. It’s about protecting yourself. It’s about finding yourself. It’s about enjoying who you are without the other person. It’s about not getting sucked into unnecessary drama. These are all healthy steps no matter if you ultimately stay together or go your own ways.

So here, it is without further ado:

The 180
1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.

4. Don’t follow her/him around the house.

5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

7. Don’t ask for reassurances.

8. Don’t buy or give gifts.

9. Don’t schedule dates together.

10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life . . . without them!

17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available . . . for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF!

21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care.

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!”

32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out with the affair partner.

http://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

The trust unicorn. So, so elusive. 

I've been able to look back at my experience with Mr. Scabs and break it down into phases. 

First, there were the phases of shock, depression, confusion. Then there was the hate-phase, then the phase of indifference and then the hate-phase again. Then there was pity-party phase. After that there was the phase of feeling sorry for him. Then a phase of utter disrespect and apathy. And, a million other phases that changed daily or didn't change for month after stagnant month. 

All this seemed to lead my path to the strangest outcome of all, compassion. But just a bit of compassion because it seems so unnatural, as if compassion doesn't deserve a place in our life. The compassion is fleeting, coming and going but finally it takes hold, bubbles over and reaches out to all the corners of my life. Compassion, like all the phases before me, led me to the chapter I'm currently in . . . a little bit of love. 

But, let me reiterate what I said to you the other night . . . I don't trust him. He has broken every vow and does not deserve trust. Trust is not my job to give. He's working to earn it each day with his actions, and when his actions match his words . . . I might begin to trust him. Trust is like a unicorn. I never think about it. I never look for it. I don't have a rainbow poster hanging over my bed fostering the unicorn delusion. No pushing, begging, screaming, crying or carefully contrived therapy sessions will make the trust unicorn appear. And so, I let it go. The unicorn is a myth. 

And when trust comes to me, I don't believe it will be mythical. 

For now, I'm tentatively feeling out the phase of falling back in love. Maybe it's just a crush. Just a month ago I was telling another friend that I had no feelings of love for him at all and couldn't imagine it. Each phase bridges me to the next, navigating the impossible. 

So yes, if you are both in a place to heal your marriage I believe all isn't lost. You can fall in love again! All things can heal. But if he chooses his addiction and our marriage dissolves, I know that I'm still capable of falling in love. Although, I tell myself I would never get married again. I'd invoke plan B where I wander the world with my kids, midwifing for chickens or a bucket of rice and living a gypsy life. 

But who knows, maybe I'll run into a unicorn.

    Love, 
    Scabs

www.eatmyscabs.blogspot.com

The first disclosure that I received went something like this: “I think my pornography problem is actually a pornography addiction.”  I had absolutely no idea what that meant.  I bore my testimony of the 12 step Addiction Recovery Program (I had some experience with it) and Jesus Christ’s healing power and then I went about with life.  I was already attending the Family Support Group Addiction Recovery Program put on by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  My husband started attending the Pornography Addiction Support Group, also put on by our church. Basically nothing in our lives changed but him attending that meeting. What followed was a year of one horrifying shock after another as my eyes were peeled open to what “pornography addiction” actually meant.

In those weeks following that disclosure, I WISH I had gotten online and typed in “Pornography Addiction.”  I wish I had understood the gravity of what a porn addiction actually was.  I really had no clue.  It would’ve helped A LOT to put our life on pause as much as possible while he decided if he really wanted recovery or not, but I just didn’t know how bad it really was.  So if you just found out about your husbands “little problem,” and you are reading this now, you are doing GREAT!  Find out as much as you can.  Rip off the band aid.  It will hurt, but you will be better off learning about this quickly and all at once rather than peeling it off slowly and waiting for tragedy to tell you just what this really means in your life.

My REAL disclosure, (the one that was 5 hours long where he decided to tell me every horrible thing he had ever done that he could remember) was about 1 year later.  The very next day I hopped on a plane to attend the first ever Togetherness Project Conference.  I could hardly move.  My husband had to finish packing for me and drag me to the airport because of the shock and trauma.  That conference was the most beneficial thing that I could’ve EVER done.  Surrounding myself with TONS of women in the SAME situation, with the SAME feelings, and the SAME heavy weight on their shoulders was absolutely perfect.  

When I got home, I had phone numbers, blogs, and Facebook friends to call on anytime, anywhere. Through being there I was also able to learn about TONS of other resources that had worked for other people.  Resources such as; LifeStar counseling, Addo Recovery, Sexaholics Anonymous (for the addict), S-ANON (for the spouses), and blogs.  All these resources were absolutely essential for me to learn about what I and my husband were going through. 

I would like to share with you the things that helped me the most in the first weeks after my husband’s MAJOR disclosure.  It has been 5 months since the major disclosure, and I still need many of these things.  Many friends would ask, “What can I do for you?” but I had no idea what I needed.  If I could go back, these are the things I would’ve said to them, because these were exactly what I needed. 

1. Attending the Togetherness Project Conference and becoming an active participant on the online private Facebook group.  Meeting and getting to know as many women in the same situation as possible was the most normalizing experience that convinced me that if they could do it, so could I.  I have now gone to church leaders and counselors in my area and given them my phone number specifically so that other women in the same situation can immediately have a friend to say, “ME TOO!”.  We need this love and relating SO MUCH.
2. Discovering and developing my story.  Because of the new friendships I made at the Togetherness Project, I quickly moved out of the denial phase and straight into owning my story because I was asked “so, what’s your story?” by every new friend I made.  My “mess” quickly became my message, and I found my purpose in life again through these very yucky circumstances I found myself in.  So, what is your story?
3. Started my own blog.  Starting my own blog, writing down “my story” and determining a purpose in my new existence gave me a reason to keep moving forward each day.  Writing on my blog has been the ABSOLUTE best healing tool.  Putting my story on something tangible and offering it to the world made it real, and gave it value.  It is a way for me to make sense of all that is happening now and all that has happened in the past.  I have always journaled, but blogging added a new level of validation that I have never experienced with a private journal.  I write anonymously and I hold nothing back.
   
4. Reaching out: I am a bit different from most WoPA’s (wives of porn addicts).  I have told SO MANY PEOPLE about the damage in our family.  The night I asked my husband to move out, I texted my 4 best friends.  I needed to know that I was loved and I received JUST THAT.  None of them have turned out to be my greatest support, but they have individually been there at different times of my recovery.  Right away I also told my church support system.  The Bishop already knew but I told our women’s leader (the Relief Society President), the Sister Missionaries in our ward, as well as my visiting teacher.  Then as intuition led me, I told even more friends and family.  Reaching out has been SUCH a healing tool for me.  I have always been a very spiritual person but the months following the disclosure I felt SO FAR AWAY from God.  It was just darkness everywhere.  It was these angels in my life that became a tangible reminder of God’s love for me.  Don’t get me wrong, some people criticized and bombarded both my husband and me with bad advice. But MOST were just wonderful.  They dropped off notes, anonymous gifts, served us, took me out of the house, listened to me, checked in on me, brought meals, shared scriptures, arranged cleaning parties, cared for my children, and gave me time to just be alone.  
   
5. Working through Addo Recovery: this is a free online resource that outlines a 6 week program with Dr. Kevin Skinner. There is a lot of research presented in this program that made me realize that I was experiencing Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and that the response I was having (the ballistic, crazy woman that I had become…) was COMPLETELY NORMAL.  This also gave my journaling a focus, helped me to define what I needed to do in the relationship to take care of myself, and helped me redefine what is important to me as an individual, aside from my husband.
   
6. Hiring a nanny.  I hired a high school girl from church to nanny for us 2 days a week for 2-4 hours a time and we paid her $5/hour.  I needed that so much.  The NANNY was crucial.
   

You can follow my story on www.chainsoflight.blogspot.com.

If there ever was a time in my life that I hated clichés it has been since I began my journey into the realm of my husband’s sexual addiction.

Love conquers all. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Gag.

In the addiction world a common cliché is “one day at a time.” I love this quote by comedian Hannibal Buress. “People say, ‘I’m taking it one day at a time.’ You know what? So is everybody. That’s how time works.”

So against my better judgment I’m going to build this entire piece on a cliché. Knowledge is power.

Knowledge gives you choices. Educate yourself. Immerse yourself in the wisdom and experience of those who have gone before, those you admire, and anything that uplifts or encourages you. But this advice isn’t new. What I really want to say, is knowledge is only power if you can find the humility, strength and courage to apply it. 

As you reach outward and reflect inward you might make painful discoveries. You will hear things that are hard to hear. You will know that you must do things you are terrified of doing. You will face emotions that are overpowering and debilitating.

Being able to reach your potential will require humility. It is easy when coping with your husband’s addiction to let all the blame fall to him. You are NOT responsible for his addiction. But you are responsible for your character defects that prevent you from healing. Self-awareness can be painful and inconvenient. Humbly recognize things about yourself that are making you miserable, and own them.

You might not feel strong or capable. Surround yourself with people who believe in you. Do small things to practice independence. Knowledge will give you confidence. Arm yourself with education. Insight and discovery will validate you. If you believe in a Higher Power, plead with him to endow you with fortitude.

I love the song “Hold On” from the play The Secret Garden.

When you see a man who’s raging,
And he’s jealous and he fears
That you’ve walked through walls
What you do then is you tell yourself to wait it out
And say it’s this day, not me,
He’s hid behind for years.
That’s bound to go away

It is going to require tremendous bravery to stand up to the addict. It probably won’t go over well. He might not understand. He might be jealous that you are different and he is the same. He might be afraid of your new knowledge and strength. It also requires courage to surrender your husband’s addiction, to cease your efforts at control, to let him find his own way, even if he falls on his face.

Think of yourself as a dry sponge. Hard and incapacitated. Imagine knowledge as water, absorb it, soak it up, and let it soften your heart and make you useful. Then practice humility, strength and courage as you face the challenges ahead of you. The only way is through, but you’re going to make it.

Contributed by Jane at hisstrugglemystruggle.blogspot.com