Why did this happen to me?
Why did I not see it?
How did I not see it?
What have I done to deserve this?
I am such a fool for not seeing it!
I am ugly and worthless.
Feelings of inadequacy fueled my brain in those very lonely moments. I’d never wish those times of self-doubt, uncertainty and absolute heartbreak upon anyone.
One evening, just a month or so after my discovery day, I disclosed in confidence what was happening in my marriage to my trusted friends. Before I could utter another word my friend’s husband cut me off and said,
“Jacy, you know that this is NOT a reflection of you, right?
I broke down in tears.
“But I feel like it has everything to do with me! If I would have been prettier, or sexier, or more wild in the bedroom, or more physically fit and toned, or a better house wife, or a better cook, or maybe if my breasts were bigger… then maybe I wouldn’t be in this situation? Maybe if we would have been intimate more often he wouldn’t have been unfaithful? Why was I not enough? What was he searching for that I ever-so-clearly was not?”
It’s been almost 4 years since that conversation with my friends and let me tell you something, it’s taken that long to finally accept, completely and wholly, that my friend’s statement was true. His choices weren’t a reflection upon me. His choices were simply that: choices. Choices that were attached to deep roots that I did not understand, that had been growing far before I ever came into the picture. My small breasts had nothing to do with it. Sex had nothing to do with it. My imperfections, as we all have, had nothing to do with it
This was about something completely out of my control.
It wasn’t about me
And it’s not about you, either.
So instead of stewing about all of the things you aren’t and all of the reasons you don’t think you’re good enough, I invite you to spend some quality time thinking about and rediscovering all of the things you ARE. Work on getting your confidence back by finding healthy balance in your life and doing the things you love. Whether that’s going for a walk, crafting, writing, reading, hot yoga, whatever it may be, work on building yourself up- instead of tearing yourself down. And if you’re continuously thinking that somehow YOU are responsible for HIS choices, promise me you’ll do something. It’ll only take a moment. When you’re looking at yourself in the mirror, every single morning and every single night, please repeat this simple truth:
After all of this time, when those negative feelings begin to flood my mind, there are still instances when I whisper this same sentence to my reflection in the mirror. I have to literally force myself to remember that I am more my story, I am so much more than what happened, and I am woman of divine worth. No one, nothing, will ever be able to take that away from me.
Don’t let anyone, or anything (yes, even sexual betrayal), EVER take that away from you, either. Because this is not, it never was, and it never will be a reflection of you.