There are so many reasons I loved the Togetherness conference in Midway.  When I first attended Togetherness in Arizona last April, I knew virtually no one.  It was intimidating yet lovely to be there.  This time around, I had gotten to know many of the women in Togetherness, mostly online, so I knew at least 40 people at the conference.  It was wonderful to see the people I have grown to love so much.  I am grateful for the sisterhood I have found in Togetherness.

I learned so much from the presenters on Saturday.  Here are just a few of the highlights that I found pertinent and helpful:

1. Maurice Harker reminded me (well, all of us in the room, but it spoke to me) that I have excellent recovery instincts. My husband does not always love all the choices I make regarding my own recovery. He has a hard time calling anything recovery work if it is not 12-Step related, because his 12-Step work has (thankfully) been so vital to his own recovery. But I have followed my instincts regarding what I need personally, especially in the last couple of years, and I love where those instincts have led me. Whether he approves of my choices or not, my recovery instincts have led me to a place where I am healthy and happy enough to be available to bond as a wife to my husband who is an addict in recovery. I'm going to keep doing what I have been doing because the proof is in the pudding, and I am really thriving for the first time in a long time.
   
   
2. Dr. Kevin Skinner said that men get emotionally flooded more often than women do. I felt totally baffled when he said that. Could that be true? I hardly ever recall my husband getting flooded. So I texted my husband right there in that class and asked if he thought that was true.
   
   He: Probably
   Me: I had never considered that because I experience my own flooding so much more than I notice your flooding. Maybe it looks different from mine.
   He: I shut down and withdraw.
   Me: Oh
   Me: Duh
   Me: I've seen that a lot.
   
   This revolutionizes the way I perceive our interactions. I had assumed that when he shut down and withdrew that it was because he wasn't feeling any emotion and that he didn't want to. You mean to tell me that he shut down because he couldn't handle the amount of emotion he was feeling? His emotional flooding looks like emotionlessness. When I feel flooded, my face gets hot, I look down at the ground, and I might start to cry. I never realized that his version of that was just getting quiet and becoming expressionless. It explains SO MUCH. How did I never realize this?  My husband later told me that it's easier to flood a teaspoon than a bucket.
   
   
3. Dr. Skinner suggested oxytocin as one strategy for creating safety. Oxytocin is the cuddle hormone released when nursing a baby or during a good snuggle. A few weeks ago my husband treated me so gently after I had heard some upsetting news about my family. As my therapist says, the worst day of your life can be a great marriage day. My husband's gentleness and empathy went miles in helping me feel less upset. I realized when Dr. Skinner discussed oxytocin that one of the things my husband had done that night, in addition to listening to me cry and validating, was gentle touch. He had wiped my tears, stroked my hair, and then held me while I fell asleep. All those things must have helped me release oxytocin and created a much-needed feeling of safety.
   
   
4. This one is from a class I didn't even attend. Some friends told me Saturday night over dinner that they had learned in Paul Parkin's class on empathy that someone who is unable to empathize with themselves will find it impossible to empathize with someone else. What?? Duh! Of course! All those years when my husband lacked compassion or interest in what I was feeling, he also was completely unaware of his own emotional state. He was numbing out all of his feelings by acting out in his addictions. No wonder he didn't seem to notice or care how I felt. He was incapable of doing so.
   
   

Once the beautiful, long and exhausting conference ended, I went to dinner with some old friends, sat in the waterfall hot tub, took a bath, then got in bed in my hotel room to watch a movie and sleep for 10 hours.  It was an absolutely blissful weekend.

Over the next several days and weeks, we will be featuring some of the best quotes, materials and experiences from our Midway Conference.  But for this first morning after the big day, and at popular demand, we wanted to share the script from the closing keynote's guided meditation.  Thank you so much to Kelli Rhees of Breathe Yoga Studio for ending our day so perfectly.  




Introduction

Trust that what you have encountered today will settle within your mind and heart and that what you need will be carried forward and what you don’t need will fall away. Know that you have the skills and freedom to live and love courageously, as your authentic self. 

Remember that you are, and have always been, enough. 

Bring your awareness to your breath. Just notice it as it is, without changing it.

Set aside expectations or judgments about yourself, this practice, the weekend, or what awaits beyond today. Notice thoughts as they cross your mind. Maybe there are some small ones or perhaps some big distracting ones.

Acknowledge their presence and come back to the sound of your breath. 

These thoughts are clouds in a blue sky, quietly making their way out of your vision. 

Guided breathing (pranayama) – longer inhale, longer exhale. Counted breaths starting at 4 counts.

Expanding with your in-breath and filling completely, allow your ribcage to reach out in all directions. Now slowly with your out-breath draw into your center as you press the air from your lungs. To a count of 4 inhale deeply, and exhale slowly to four counts. Now lengthen your exhale to 6 counts. 

Repeat.

Release your breath, come back to a natural, soft cycle. 

As you settle in, find comfort in knowing that there is nowhere to go but here, nothing to do but this.

Guided Muscle Relaxation

Focus on the large muscles of your legs. Tighten all the muscles of your legs. Hug muscle to bone from your feet to your thighs. 

Exhale, let go. Feel the muscles in your legs going limp, loose, and relaxed. Notice how relaxed the muscles feel. Enjoy the pleasant feeling of softness in your legs.

Now focus on the muscles in your arms. Tighten your shoulders, upper arms, lower arms, and hands. Squeeze your hands into tight fists. Tense the muscles in your arms and hands as tightly as you can. Feel the strength in these muscles. 

Hold it for a few moments more and, with an exhale release. 

Let the muscles of your shoulders, arms, and hands melt. Feel the relaxation as your shoulders lower into a comfortable position and your hands relax. 

Focus again on your breathing. Slow, rhythmic, breaths. 

Tighten the muscles of your back now. Feel your back flexing, pulling your shoulders behind you and tensing the muscles along your spine. Arch your back slightly as you engage these muscles. And exhale, let all the intensity go. Feel your back comfortably settling into a good and healthy posture.

Turn your attention now to the muscles of your chest and stomach. Engage these muscles. Feel the strength of your core. Exhale, relax the muscles of your trunk.

Finally, tighten the muscles of your face. Scrunch your eyes shut tightly, wrinkle your nose, and tighten your cheeks and jaw. Soften your face. 

Feel the air on your skin and your skin soften. 

With each breath you are going to go deeper into your relaxed state.

Visualization

Now that you are in a place of settled calmness expand your awareness to your heart center. See your heart as a pulsing, beautiful light, expanding from inside your chest. Notice that as you acknowledge this light it grows more brilliant, becoming luminous, welcoming energy. 

With each in breath you see your light expand further, and with each out breath your light draws back in. Feel this rhythmic pattern with each breath cycle. 

Now allow your ball of pure white light to move from your chest and hover gently in front of you. 

The energy grows with each breath until it stretches from your head to toes. 

See that in this light is a place of protection, acceptance, and love. Feel the warmth radiating out and calling you in. 

Step toward this warmth and move into it slowly. 

Envelop yourself, a little at a time, as if stepping into a hot bath. 

Feel the vibrancy surround and hold you. 

Feel comfort and safety embrace you. 

Now, with each inhale draw the light into your body, through your skin, and into your heart and mind. 

With each exhale feel your light settle into your bones and radiate back out from your core. 

Continue this until all of the brightness is embodied inside you and you become the source of your own protective light. 

Shine brightly, without reservation.

Draw your awareness again to your heart center. 

Hold the light of your awareness, the light you have created and drawn into to your core. Know that it is always here for you. 

Let the following thoughts fill your heart:
I am free. I am peace. I am love. 
I am that which I have been searching for. 
I am the embodiment of perfect wholeness. 
I am grace.
Rest in this space. 

Return

Take a deep breath in. Lift your chest and draw breath all the way to your lower belly. Let it go. Bring small movements back into your fingers and toes. Waking up your body gently. Feel the air touch your skin. 

Allow your mind to become fully awake and alert, while still feeling relaxed.

When you are ready, open your eyes . . . fully awake, energized and calm.

“When you get to the end of all the light you know and it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: either you will be given something solid to stand on, or you will be taught how to fly.”   ― Edward Teller

Namaste.

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Click here for the class schedule and class descriptions.  And here to find out more about our presenters.  See you in Midway!