Do you question yourself? Does it sting?
I’ve had a lot of people give me their opinions of me the last little while. Especially one person in particular, and, believe me when I say, it’s not constructive criticism.
This last week, I received four emails that said the meanest things in them. Guess what I did? I questioned myself. I totally got sucked into thinking about myself, the way somebody else thought about me.
I totally questioned myself.
It totally stung.
For a few minutes after I read the first email, my body freaked out. My heart was pounding inside my chest. My head went spinning in a million different directions wondering, “Where is Truth?? I need Truth right now -- am I that way? Did I treat him SO badly? What is he saying when he’s saying this? This doesn’t make sense? Do people really think this way about me? How come I don’t see that in myself but he does? Maybe I am crazy? . . . ”
And on and on . . .
Normally when I get emails like this, which has been quite frequent in the last eight months, they paralyze me. They send me into some sort of coma where I lay on the couch, close my eyes, and want to drift off into another world. My kids don’t get fed. I think they do their homework? And my house looks like a tornado ran through.
But this week I saw a little bit of progress. I let those crazy, wild, LIES run through my head for a few minutes. That was it, I let them take their course, and then I sat down on my bed, I closed my eyes, and I took a deep breath.
I went to teach yoga later that day, and in asking my student *Megan how her body was feeling, she told me a similar story to what I had experienced that morning. As we closed our eyes to start our breathing before our practice, I had a thought . . .
When I closed my eyes and started to breathe, I had *Megan look down inside her body to her heart. With her eyes closed I had her see her heart for what it really is. See her goodness. See her strength. See her beauty. With her eyes closed, and her mind aware of her breath, she could see her True heart, but only for a fleeting moment. It was a pea-sized goodness, in the center of her heart.
When we are present with our breath, watching our inhales and our exhales, we can zone in to see truth. Our body speaks truth. When we first start our awareness of breath, our yoga practice, this fleeting “pea-sized” goodness maybe only lasts a second until our mind interrupts and tells us we’re wrong, or has us question ourselves again.
That’s when we start over. And we look inside of ourselves to see that goodness, to know that goodness.
I decided that maybe THIS is what yoga is.
Yoga is the practice of seeing our goodness. It starts small. A fleeting second of truth. But as we practice over and over, this truth becomes familiar, and maybe that pea-sized goodness, grows into a bean-sized goodness. The more we familiarize ourselves with the feeling, the knowledge, the strength of our goodness, the more we start to believe our truth. The truth of our heart, not of our mind.
Can you imagine going through your life, not wondering, or caring, or questioning what others thought of you? Can you imagine the self confidence, not pride-fullness, but CONFIDENCE in yourself if you absolutely knew who you were, LOVED who you were and didn’t question your heart?
I am sure it will take a lot of practice. Yoga grows from the inside out. That’s what I’ve always been taught. You gain strength from the inside out. Maybe this is what they mean.
I love the way my heart feels when I can see it’s goodness. I love the clarity my mind has when my heart and my mind are balanced. They agree. But it’s my heart that I have to listen to. Not my head. My head likes to talk . . . a lot. But my heart knows. My heart is good. I am good.
I am not perfect. I have made plenty of mistakes. But when somebody questions, or puts down the integrity of my person. I am learning . . . LEARNING . . . to let it go. I don’t have to own that. I don’t have to take “Your” stuff on.
Contributed by: Sariah