I wanted that. I wanted it badly.
And as I got into recovery and started to see just how much damage had been done by addiction, I began grieving.
Those grieving days were awful days in our home. The children ate a lot of cold cereal, and I shed a lot of tears.
I moved into acceptance, and I was relieved to feel that my grieving was -for the most part -over.
But guess what?
I skipped a step.
In the process of observing other couples, I saw one very fascinating trend: the couples I admired the most were upfront with each other -they weren't afraid of reactions or repercussions. They were honest with each other outright. They got MAD at each other.
I just couldn't DO that. I couldn't get mad at my husband. I couldn't! I was too scared. I wasn't strong enough to handle his reaction. Instead of getting upset with him or at him, I'd walk away and shove the anger down until I couldn't feel it anymore and then I would go and talk things over with him.
Quick question: what happens when you shove emotions down? Anyone?
Yeah. They rise up and wail later on. And they're usually worse than they were when you first shoved them.
Since I snagged up a sponsor and a therapist, my recovery has had some really awesome direction. It's GOING places. One of the biggest blessings from it all is that fear and shame are being stripped away.
As fear and shame have stripped away, I've started getting angry. I'm not scared of my husband anymore. I'm MAD at him.
I accept where our relationship is at, but I'm mad about it.
I'm angry because I'm still grieving a healthy relationship. I feel cheated, and I feel short-changed. I feel all of these rotten emotions that I felt earlier in my recovery.
When I first felt them, I denied them, ignored them, felt sad about them, wept bitter tears...
And now I'm mad about them.
I think it's wonderful.
I'm finally strong enough to be honest about my every emotion.
I finally feel safe enough to say what I'm thinking when I'm thinking it.
I'm finally -for the first time in NINE years -being TRUE TO MYSELF.
And if that means trudging through a trench of anger, I'll do it.
It's worth it.
There's nothing more rewarding than the freedom that comes from being true to myself.
My name is Alicia Deets, and I'm married to a wonderful man named Danny who battles a sexual addiction. We've been married 9 1/2 years and have been blessed with three awesome kiddos! We've been battling addiction for our entire marriage, but we didn't classify it as an actual addiction until three years ago. I began my recovery three years ago, and the biggest lesson I'm learning is that I will always be learning.
I have found beauty in working my life around my recovery because my recovery has allowed me to fully live as I never have before. When I'm not writing, I keep busy working part time. I also enjoy teaching piano lessons from my home (I was a music major!) and relaxing to movies with a heap of yarn and my crochet hooks.
More than anything, I love my God. He has been my mainstay in ALL of this: from the porn to the lies to the betrayal to my spending time facing myself in the mirror and learning, learning, learning... all while not cleaning my house. Because I hate that.