I signed up! I paid! I had plans to meet friends and scheduled what classes I wanted to participate in!
But . . . I didn’t go.
I am “porned” out. On that Saturday morning when I woke up, I did not want to be a WOPA.
Addiction. Pornography. Sex. Manipulation. Lies. Secrets. Abuse. Divorce. Hurt. Sadness. Pain.
This is what my life has been for the last five years. FIVE YEARS!! This is what has consumed my every breath. Infiltrated my every thought. Seeped into my very skin.
I just finished “Midnight in Austenland.” The main character in the book, Charlotte Cordial, describes in the book, how being chased around with a knife by a scary man, having his hands wrapped around her neck, and almost killing her, wasn’t near as painful as her husband cheating on her.
TRUTH!! I seriously yelled “TRUTH!!” I don’t think anything IN THE WORLD could hurt as bad as this.
I am exhausted.
Is there a time when you can be done with this? When you can rid yourself of this?
Does this have to be who I am for the rest of my life? Do those horrible describing words “DEFINE” who I am?? . . .
Where did Sariah go? . . .
Maybe this is just a phase. Maybe it will all come back to me. But right now. I am so over this. I have done / am still in therapy (probably will be for years). I’ve prayed. I’ve screamed. I’ve cried. I’ve wanted to lie in bed all day and never get up. I’ve wanted to punch holes in walls. I’ve wanted to starve myself. I’ve wanted him back! I’ve longed for him. I’ve let myself feel. I haven’t judged myself. I haven’t willed it away . . . I think it’s finally just going away. I think I maybe have a light at the end of my tunnel.
I think maybe I see a glimpse of Sariah again.
During one chapter in the book “Midnight in Austenland,” Mrs. Wattlesbrook (the owner of Pembrook Park) asks Charlotte, “ Is that what you do? You admit you are glad your husband is gone and yet still hold in your heart the few memories that are precious? Is that how you maintain your queenly poise?”
My heart started beating!! Yes! Yes!! This is what I need to do. I will hold in my heart the few memories I have that are good. The few memories that are precious. The few memories that are worth keeping. And I will let go of the rest.
It is time to be me again. It’s time for me to see things how they really are. For what they really are. What happened, happened. It was out of my control. I am where I am today, and I am excited to see a little bit of me poking through.
“Maybe, maybe there’s nothing really wrong with me. Maybe James would have snookered me for Justice no matter what I did. Maybe, maybe it wasn’t about me after all. Maybe I’m not broken and unwantable. Maybe I’m . . .”
Contributed by: Sariah