Over the past three years, I’ve spent a significant amount of time hanging around the betrayed wives club. It’s a funny place, full of empathy, anger, laughter, despair, and a lot of pain. But somehow we all manage to make it through. We have no choice.
Along the way, I’ve noticed we (understandably) tend to get a little down when we gather in groups. We rant, we complain, we vent … and that’s okay. It works for us. We need a safe place to exorcise our demons. It helps us heal in ways we can’t explain. But at the end of the day, if we continue to wallow, we’re just going to get stuck in the mud.
I came across a post the other day titled “The Upsides of Betrayal,” and when I read it I had to smile. I smiled because I’ve been there. I know these lessons. I think many of us do. But she wrote them down so perfectly.
The author, Lisa Arends, is one of us -- a betrayed wife -- who has moved along down the trail. She gets it. I have been following her blog, Lessons from the End of a Marriage, for quite some time, so I know . . . her message doesn’t come from some fakey happy la-la land. Lisa actually coined the term “tsunami divorce.” She’s earned the notches on her belt.
Part of what I love about her perspective is that she doesn’t deny the existence of pain or discount its relevance. Instead, she challenges us to use it.
Consider a professional bodybuilder. Will she seek out the lightest weight she can find? Does she spend the shortest amount of time possible at the gym? No! Quite the opposite, actually. She seeks out the heaviest resistance possible, and the gym is her playground. That is what makes her strong.
Viewing pain as an opportunity for growth sounds great, but it is easier said than done. I admit that if I’d read Lisa’s article several years ago, my reaction might have been different. I mean, honestly ... it sounds so positive and optimistic! Sometimes it is hard to swallow that kind of stuff when you’re emotionally drowning.
But to the women in the bottom of the abyss, I’m here to say, you will get there. You will climb out of your dark hole and be able to function again, “as the mud and grime of the betrayal is washed away by time and tears,” as Lisa so beautifully puts it.
There is no substitute for years or tears. They mold and cleanse us. And they can’t be rushed.
We can allow ourselves to feel anger, frustration, and even hate - -to let them wash over us. But we will be better off as we learn to let them go and wash away, like waves receding from the shore.
That is when we will discover the treasures Lisa is talking about.
Submitted by Melody Bergman at http://mamacrossroads.com
Read Upsides of Betrayal at: http://mariashriver.com/blog/2014/04/7-upsides-betrayal-lisa-arends/